Tuesday, January 31, 2012

A Tactical Maneuver

It seems hardly fitting to call my blog "Confessions of a Tourettic Mind" without doing some real confessing from time to time.  My hope is that there is value way beyond my own personal catharsis.  I confess in the hope that others will see glimpses of themselves in it and know that they are not alone. 

I am currently in retreat.  I have stepped off of the field of battle.

There comes a point in battle and in life where one must decide that the losses have been too great.  Wisdom dictates that when one's forces have been shredded with barrage after barrage of withering fire, getting them to safety and reevaluating one's strategy is the best option.  It is here that I find myself.

The past 8 years have seen the end of my career with the corporation I'd planned to retire from, the ensuing financial ruin, the effective end of my music career, desperate, yet failed attempts at weight loss, betrayal by family and friends, and far too many premature funerals.  The term "battle fatigue" has a particularly appropriate ring to it.  It's time to retreat to a defensible spot and "circle the wagons". 

In taking stock of "the casualties", I find that my hopes, dreams, and goals all lie dead on the field.  It would seem they never stood a chance.  In stark relief to what is missing, it's impossible not to see the faithful friends who are "hunkered down" with me.   The disappointment of watching the weak flee when the blood and guts started flying pales in comparison to the honor and sacrifice shown by those who never considered desertion an option.   They remain with me, stalwart and demurring their own personal cost. 

For now, retreat is a wise, tactical maneuver.  It is not, nor will it ever be a strategic direction for me.  My army and I regrouping.  Anything approaching the perimeter will be shot on sight.  We're down but not out.  

We'll be back.


  1. Love the transparency. Praying for the tenderness. Believing in the rebound.

  2. I appreciate the visual of the hopes, dreams, and goals lying dead on the field. I know none of those matter though in this life. Christ has something better for me here and after and he does for you too. Love you Brother!!!

  3. Yes dear man. I too have such profound appreciation for those who have the strength and balls to stick in there when it really matters..... to not run to fun, but rather find fun in the midst of work. It is I think the most enjoyable part of life- to know you have survived something- while still in the mide of it.

  4. Thanks for posting Holley. You're absolutely right!

  5. The past 2 years have been the most desperate of my married life, and I too can share in the imagery you wrote of. Your transparency resonates with me, and so I am sending up prayers for you and your family. Though we have never met, I believe God allowed me to find your blog so I could take my mind off of our issues, and prayer fervently for someone else.

    Thanks for the raw honesty.

  6. Thanks so much for the kind words Judi, and for responding with transparency of your own. You're always welcome here.