Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Just Plain Scared

Before I write what's on my mind, I want to ensure that I'm clearly understood. This entry is not a cry for help, or a request for kind words or support. I get TONS of that from folks who love our family. It's yet another entry in keeping with my ethic of transparently sharing "our journey". I now understand why so many writers strive to be inspiring. This honesty business is by no means easy.

I'm not sad or depressed. I'm actually in a great place emotionally. It's what allows me to write the following with clarity.

We are now half way through Connor's senior year of high school. Nathan is a freshman and is doing really well with the changes that the new school has brought. I was pondering the future while driving them to school this morning. I'll admit, I'm scared.

My fear isn't easy to quantify, but I'll do what I can to frame it in a way that makes sense to those who don't have a special child. Those who do will have no trouble understanding.

Nathan has an impressive intellect. He works hard. Teachers tell us he's the hardest working kid they know. James Brown was "The Hardest Working Man in Show Business". Nathan may well be "The Hardest Working Kid in Public School". My fear is that this may not be enough. We have some great organizations in our area who help special folk lead productive, mostly independant lives. Still, it's not what I want for Nathan.

I want him to live to the capability of his intellect. I want him to have a good career and solid, healthy, peer-level relationships. The clock is ticking. I'm enterring the "forth quarter" of his childhood. He's come so far. What if it isn't far enough? Yes. I'm scared.

It's true that no parent ever know how their kids will "turn out". I have some of the same fears with Connor, but then again, I don't. Nathan's intellect is obscured by his social and communication difficulties. It's there, but it's not evident to the casual observer. Human nature dictates that because it isn't readily seen, it can be safely assumed nonextant.

Most of the time, I can relax in the knowedge that God is faithful, we his family give all we have for his benefit, and his teachers go far above and beyond for him. It's in those quiet, reflective moments that I'm forced to admit that a part of me remains just plain scared.

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