Monday, August 5, 2013

A Happy Depression

Sounds nonsensical.  I get that, but since when does neurological dysfunction have to make sense?  It's just another proof that I have a central nervous system that's "wired like old Christmas Tree lights".

This is how it works.  I LOVE my life.  I'm literally surrounded by people I can depend on and who value me for who I am, where I am.  I have very little "bad stuff" on my mind.  It's all just standard, "life stuff".  On the other hand, I show all the symptoms of significant, clinical depression.  I have almost ZERO motivation.  My to do list piles up at home.  Concentrating is extremely difficult, requiring great effort and self-discipline.  Maintaining what I consider marginal productivity at work requires immense personal discipline.  I can't even get motivated to do things I LOVE to do, like learn music or just noodle around on my bass.  There are things I WANT to do, I just can't seem to make myself do them.  

It makes even less sense to me than it does to you.  It's a truly surreal experience, but one that has been a regular occurrence for as long as I can remember.  I can't remember a time in my life when I didn't experience this from time-to-time.

With experience, I finally learned to spot this for what it is.  Identifying it helps prevent it from spiraling into a more emotional "classic" depression phase.  This and forcing myself to do things that have measurable results are my way of fighting back.  Yesterday, I replaced light bulbs, sharpened my kitchen cutlery, grocery shopped with the boys, and cooked with Connor.  It kept the day from seeming wasted.

Therein lies the part I hate most.  When in these times, I feel I'm wasting my time and abilities.  This is the part that brings the anger and frustration, thought not with others.  I'm angry and frustrated with me.  Fortunately, I lack the motivation to be very passionate about my anger and frustration too.  Given the situation, I'll consider that a bonus.

No shining, hopeful message this week dear readers.  Today it's just one more "message in a bottle".  My hope is that it will provide a needed epiphany for someone that "it's not just you".

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