Monday, August 5, 2013
A Happy Depression
Sounds nonsensical. I get that, but since when does neurological dysfunction have to make sense? It's just another proof that I have a central nervous system that's "wired like old Christmas Tree lights".
This is how it works. I LOVE my life. I'm literally surrounded by people I can depend on and who value me for who I am, where I am. I have very little "bad stuff" on my mind. It's all just standard, "life stuff". On the other hand, I show all the symptoms of significant, clinical depression. I have almost ZERO motivation. My to do list piles up at home. Concentrating is extremely difficult, requiring great effort and self-discipline. Maintaining what I consider marginal productivity at work requires immense personal discipline. I can't even get motivated to do things I LOVE to do, like learn music or just noodle around on my bass. There are things I WANT to do, I just can't seem to make myself do them.
It makes even less sense to me than it does to you. It's a truly surreal experience, but one that has been a regular occurrence for as long as I can remember. I can't remember a time in my life when I didn't experience this from time-to-time.
With experience, I finally learned to spot this for what it is. Identifying it helps prevent it from spiraling into a more emotional "classic" depression phase. This and forcing myself to do things that have measurable results are my way of fighting back. Yesterday, I replaced light bulbs, sharpened my kitchen cutlery, grocery shopped with the boys, and cooked with Connor. It kept the day from seeming wasted.
Therein lies the part I hate most. When in these times, I feel I'm wasting my time and abilities. This is the part that brings the anger and frustration, thought not with others. I'm angry and frustrated with me. Fortunately, I lack the motivation to be very passionate about my anger and frustration too. Given the situation, I'll consider that a bonus.
No shining, hopeful message this week dear readers. Today it's just one more "message in a bottle". My hope is that it will provide a needed epiphany for someone that "it's not just you".