Sunday, October 3, 2010

Though the Nightmares Should Be Over....

....some of the terrors are still in tact.

I confess.  I'm a HUGE Meat Loaf fan.  His work with Jim Steinman speaks to me.  It's big, pompous, and overstated.  Kind of reminds me of someone. 

I wrote of the beauty of acceptance recently.  I spoke of how things have changed.  All of it was true.  Real rejection has become a far rarer occurrence.  Still, my fear is as real as ever. It would seem that my fear of rejection and abandonment and my inability to understand why I've experienced so much of it are inexorably linked.  I'm certain the perpetual rejection of some that I'm forced to share life with is part of it.  Knowing that some lack the strength of character to place more importance on my "positives" than my "negatives" should help, but falls flat. 

I left my hometown 25 years ago.  Since then, the rejection I've experienced in life has been on a marked, steady decline.  My fear has not.  It has proven far more resilient.  The joy of every new relationship is polluted by this insidious interloper.  It's hard to shake.  What's worse is that I tend to expect it.  I look for it.  The few real rejections I do still experience provide fuel for my fear and paranoia.  I fight it, and force it into retreat.  Slaying the beastie has thus far been beyond my grasp.

I guess Meat Loaf is right.  Some of the terrors are still in tact.

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