Friday, January 28, 2011

I Miss Paxil

I miss Paxil.  Sounds strange, doesn't it?  Who in their right mind would miss a drug, especially one with so many side-effects?  I do.  In fact, I miss one of the side effects quite acutely at times.  Paxil suppressed emotion.  I hate emotion.

When I was taking Paxil, my dosage made me very "emotionally flat".  I processed life from a primarily pragmatic state.  It was glorious.  The sacrifice of feeling giddy happiness was well worth giving up in order to quell gut-wrenching pain.  These days, I miss living in that state.

Some people seem to enjoy emotion.  Our media generates billions in revenue by playing on our emotions through advertising and entertainment.  There are entire networks devoted to "emotional entertainment".  Once again, I'm out of step with many around me.  I don't trust emotions.  They lie.  Those who know me have heard me say "Emotions are the toys of the soul.  They are fun to play with, but make a horrible compass."  I dont' enjoy them.  Given the choice to rid myself of them, it would be made quickly, easily, and without cognitive dissonance. 

I've felt a lot in the last year.  Friends have died unexpectedly.  I've experienced the disappointments and betrayals that knowing people brings.  I've faced the pain that the realities of my life bring from an emotional perspective.  It sucks.  I can't go back to the Paxil.  Other side effects were too much to bear.  My emotionally suppressed state was glorious for me, but very difficult for my family.  It is for them that I don't switch back.  I pay a dear price, but I do so willingly.  Their needs must come first.

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