Wednesday, October 19, 2011

It's All Coming Back....

I had an interesting epiphany last night. I'm rediscovering me. 

Much has changed since I was diagnosed back in 1983.  Life with Nathan has exposed me to things about myself that I and medical science didn't understand back then.  I've found that in experiencing life with Nathan, I'm understanding my own early experiences and struggles in a new light.

Nathan was dutifully serving his football players at last night's game, all the while, his dad was being flooded with memories and new understanding.  The players all wore their helmets while on the sidelines.  During my football years, I was never able to do this.  My head seemed to itch and burn if I left my "war bonnet" on while not actively in the game.  There was no diagnosis for Sensory Processing Disorder in my youth.  I knew I couldn't wear my helmet or hats for an extended period like others seemed to do with ease.  I now understand why.

I never understood why I was driven to talk about certain topics, look at certain things, think certain thoughts with only failing shreds of control.  Obsessive Compulsive Disorder was that disease that made people wash their hands too much and clean all the time.  I did neither. 

My inabilities caused me great grief in my younger days.  I couldn't sit still in church, or even keep my head bowed all the way through someone's long-winded prayer.  I considered myself horribly sinful.  In truth, it was just part of "the damage". 

It's all coming back to me now, and for the first time, I'm equipped to face the things that once troubled me with new understanding.  I can deprecate the incomplete understanding that I and the medical community had, and see those times for what they were.  From this vantage point, I can put the feelings that accompanied those experiences to rest.  They, like the medical understanding of the day were incomplete and incorrect.

Thank you Nathan.

1 comment:

  1. I think attentive parents will live vicariously through there kids at so many points in their lives. But it's nice that it can be more than floods of nostalgia. It's nice that are some new found appreciation of past events that help prepare for current and future ones. I think you are blessed. Often with me I'm left wishing for a time machine so I can go backward. I don't think that's how it's supposed to feel.